this is NOT a self-pity party

 It’s just me doing just some reflecting . . .

I have had random shreds of encouragement come my way several times this week, and from sources that have surprised me. And not a moment too soon, because these things that have been said have been reminders that who I am and what I do really might make a difference in some small way. It was especially helpful/meaningful to me to hear one person tell me how much they appreciate my straightforward style, and the fact that I am honest (what some call “too honest”) and open about things.

As anyone who reads this blog already knows, I tend to have very strong opinions, and I tend to express those opinions with great passion. Unfortunately, I am (as I have often described myself) “one of those people that you either LOVE or HATE”, and not everybody is in the “Lorraine Wronski fan club”. (I have even written previously about my own faltering membership in said club.)

The hardest thing about it is that I’m still me . . . and the things that people want me to change about myself, the things that get in the way of me being/doing what I want to be and do, and of what I would deem (Sparkworthy) success, are things that make up the core of who I am. AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO STOP BEING ME!

So instead, I waste a lot of time and energy on self-loathing . . . if only I wasn’t like this . . . if only I wasn’t me! I could be successful . . . I could be achieving something . . . I could . . . not be me. It would be so great not to be me.

and then I am left to sit with myself, and with the realization that I am almost 40 years old and I still can’t stand myself. Worse, to quote Dr. House, “people don’t change”, so it’s very likely that this is all there is for me. This life (no career to speak of, perpetually in debt, sucky old car always needing more repairs than i can afford) is quite possibly the best it’s going to get for me.

The absolute WORST thing for me is the people who tell me, “You’re so smart” or “You can do anything!” First of all, being smart (though I’m grateful for the brains I’ve been given, don’t get me wrong) really hasn’t done me a whole lot of good. It really IS true. Nobody cares what your GPA was. (not that mine was all that much to brag about anyway!) Second of all, I don’t think people realize what a huge slap in the face it is to me when they say something like that to me . . . seriously–it doesn’t even make any sense. if I COULD do “anything”, don’t you think I WOULD HAVE done SOMETHING by now?! Think about it.

but the fact that I hate just about everything about my life notwithstanding, I was reminded this week that at least a handful of people find me kind of useful to have around . . .

I guess I’m kind of like that melon baller that’s buried in the back of the drawer . . . everybody thinks they need a melon baller, but if it wasn’t around, there’s absolutely no reason why you couldn’t use a spoon instead. But a melon baller is such a novel thing to have around that you can never quite bring yourself to throw it away . . .

but nobody asks the melon baller how it feels about its lot in life, and its spot in the cutlery drawer.

okay.  I have sufficiently mangled this metaphor, not to mention having blogged away another perfectly good evening, so I think that means it’s time to stop . . .  

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