Church shopping

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(I am posting from the app for the first time. If it turns out well, perhaps I will finally start blogging more…because NYC = so. much. blog fodder.)

So I am a few months into this adventure of finally being HOME. Every inch of my being is overjoyed to be home. Okay, slight lie-my knees and feet hate my guts, but they can deal.

One of the major things that made Grand Rapids never quite feel like “home” was the fact that I was so far left of the mainstream. And yet, I was-and am-still part of the Body of Christ.

(If you are reading this and are not a Christian, trust me when I say that the hardest thing about being a Christian is…other Christians. Particularly the variety that you have to apologize for and distance yourself from on a regular basis.)

I know that I need to find a new church. I need to put roots down, and it’s a natural way to rebuild some of the community that I’ve lost. And this is New York-I have choices.

While I despise the idea of going about the church hunt with such a consumer mentality, the fact is that I have certain criteria.

A focus on social justice is essential. A church full of pacifists would definitely be a plus.

Because I don’t want to be surrounded by people who are still arguing about this, and because I don’t want to have to be afraid of the reaction I will get when I utter the words, “My friend and his husband…”, I also hope to find a church that is “open and affirming” (translation: they don’t hate The Gays).

And then there’s the race thing. I want a church that honors diversity, but that also wrestles with the baggage of racism in a significant way. This may prove to be the most difficult challenge I will face in my search.

I don’t have a problem with an “all-black” church, but I also don’t know if I have the right to choose that solely for my own benefit.

The church I visited today was small-about sixty people in attendance. I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing. The congregation, however, was almost exclusively black, while the lead pastor (Priest? It was Episcopalian, another factor that did not win me over) was white. And blonde. And young. The choir director was white, and one of the other two pastor-type people (again, not my denomination,  v. confused) was white.

I am fully prepared for people to tell me that I am making too much of it, but the leadership, the “face” of a church, matters. I couldn’t very well walk up to the pastor on the way out, shake her hand, and ask,  “So how do you build accountability towards people of color into your ministry?”

I mean, I guess I *could*, but…

I have so many thoughts about church in black and white, about being diverse as opposed to being intentionally anti-racist. I know that I had something unique at Madison. But for a church here to become my church home, this needs to be a part of the equation.

Stay tuned…

not that special

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“…it seemed the ultimate miracle, to have good people love you, freaked-out, self-centered mess that you were.” – Anne Lamott, Blue Shoe

(Disclaimer: I tried to share these thoughts with Mona first, and even she thought it was crazy, so take that for what it’s worth.)

So this all started because I found out only a few days ago that I am finally. going. home. The reality of this takes my breath away, and although I of course am apprehensive about the change, I am elated that this is finally happening. It just feels so right – down to the very core of my being. So much so that, when people express sadness that I am leaving, I can’t bring myself to utter the words, “Well, who knows, maybe I”ll move back to Grand Rapids someday.”

Because I know that I won’t. There’s just no looking back. I came here broken, and have experienced a great deal of healing (thanks, in part, to even more brokenness) in the past fifteen years. I have met so many people that I love dearly and will miss achingly. But, easy life and multiple Target locations aside, knowing that I am moving has made me all the more acutely aware that I just never fell in love with this place.

The people, on the other hand…

When you are the person going to a new place, a new opportunity, you are leaving, but you are also going towards something. Not so for the people you are leaving behind. So it certainly makes sense that I have been conflicted about my happiness and excitement in the face of the sadness of people who are important to me.

But I don’t think that’s all of it. I think…I think there might be something wrong with me.

(okay, now, you didn’t need to agree THAT quickly!)

I have been blessed and overwhelmed by the reaction people have had to me leaving. It’s embarrassing to me to hear that people like me. That I will be missed. People say such kind things, and I start to feel so Aspie about it all.

Apparently people like me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. In the face of this outpouring of affection and kind words, I find myself almost ashamed, wondering if I value and appreciate others this much. And I know that, much of the time, I don’t like me nearly as well as others seem to.

I am so very blessed to have good people love me. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I’m just not quite sure sometimes how I got here. And I’m not sure I’m really all that special.

 

2015 in review

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This came up in my Timehop from 2008…I don’t even know what the original source was at this point…but thought it would be interesting to revisit it.

Here are the questions and my answers. Would love to hear yours as well! No pressure, though.

What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Drove for Uber, I guess?
Went to the Canadian Rockies (NATURE!)

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year

Did anyone close to you die?
Not exactly…although Vivian’s death had a strong impact on many in my larger church family.

What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
More self-control with my money
Less debt
New bras

What was your biggest failure of the year?
Continuing to accumulate credit card debt.

Where did most of your money go?
Compulsive spending on clearance clothes for every kid I know (and a few I don’t!)
Trips to visit people I love

Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?
About the same, I think? (maybe I should do this every year?!) Maybe I’ll say “happier”. I’m fairly content right now…(knock on wood…even though I claim I don’t believe in luck/superstitions…)

thinner or fatter?
I’m thinking fatter.

richer or poorer?
More in debt. Scrambling to keep up. Got a promotion at work, but because I lost my night and weekend differentials, my hourly rate is actually less than it was even though I got a “raise”.
Also, more in debt.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogging (I said this in 2008 too, but it still applies)
Visiting friends
Decluttering

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Charging stuff!!!
Slacking off in various realms of my life

What was the best book you read?
Ummmm…this is where I admit that I have not finished any books AGAIN this year. Actually, I do think I finished one Sherlock Holmes book on my phone.

I’m still only about halfway through it, but Eat To Live is definitely a life-changer.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Annie was 2014, I think, so that one’s out.
You think I’m going to say The Peanuts Movie…which I did enjoy it, but I’m all about the comic strips (feel the same way about The Boondocks). So I’m going to go with The Intern, which was cute and lighthearted. Plus I saw it with one of my best friends, so that made it all the more fun.

I still haven’t seen Brooklyn, or I suspect that would be my favorite.

(I AM ADDING THIS ONE MYSELF, JUST BECAUSE I CAN)
What was your favorite Netflix show/binge this year?
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. No contest. I think I read that Season 2 is coming out in April?!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having/adopting a child, but I need to face reality at some point…

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015
I may need to think about this one some more…but let’s start with these:
– Bitterness and negativity is contagious, and it makes you seem ugly when you succumb to it.
– Life is wonderful and difficult and precious and can’t be explained. It is all of these things at the same time.

 

Overheard on Facebook – For Vivian

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So the wondrously multi-talented pharmacist/hairdresser/opera singer/fighter for justice Becky Boyd has a section on her blog called “Best of Facebook“.

I like the concept, enough to steal the idea from her (which is probably prohibited in the “legal disclaimer” section…hmmm. Do I need one of those? Or does my header suffice?). There are times when a Facebook status update turns into a rant, but one that might be worth sharing, worth capturing.

This one seemed to resonate with people, and Vivian’s dad has actually encouraged me to share it far and wide, so in her honor, here it is.

A 17-year-old girl from my church took her own life this week. There are waves of heartbreak and grief in the wake of it; the pain is unfathomable.

Although I didn’t know her particularly well, this haunts me nonetheless.

From the age of 14 until almost 40, I was almost constantly suicidal, whether actively or passively.

If I had access to this thing we call the Internet at 17, I’m not sure that I would still be here. And I honestly don’t know how I made it through my late twenties.

But I am here. God spared my life.

I wish He had spared hers.

I wish I could tell her that it does get better, that at some point you will look at your life and be shocked to find that you are glad to be alive. That you will someday gain a new appreciation for the line in the story of Pierre that reads, “He rubbed his eyes and scratched his head/and laughed because he wasn’t dead”. This odd, giddy feeling that life is here and it’s horrible and wonderful all at once, but it’s here to be lived, and that you are still here to live it.

I wish that I could tell her that she was loved so much more than she could possibly comprehend, and that, no matter how she might have felt in any given moment, that there were people who could not – who cannot – imagine life without her.

On Tuesday, I flew to New York overnight for the sole purpose of seeing the Macy*s Christmas windows. I got to spend time with an old friend, walk until my feet ached, and take in the sights and sounds and smells of the city. It was a ridiculous, impulsive trip, and it made me ridiculously happy, albeit a few hundred dollars deeper in debt.

If I had died at 17, or even at 27, or 39, I wouldn’t have had this moment. I wouldn’t be able to feel the subversive pleasure of doing something you can’t really afford, just because life is here…just because you can.

If I had died at 29, there are a dozen or more children I never would have gotten to know. A million little moments – things Elijah or Donovan say that have me doubled over in laughter, the precious smiles and hugs from Jacylyn’s beautiful twins, sweet little Elias talking about “Aunt Rain”.

These are the little joys in life. They are sometimes few and far between, but if we look, we can find them. And somehow, in the spaces between those moments, we live, and we survive, and we remember that the bad times don’t last forever.

Life is not just hard; It’s brutal. It’s agonizingly long at times. It sucks to be the one who doesn’t get to die. Life is both a gift and a burden, and sometimes both at the same time.

I wish I could tell her all of these things, but I can’t anymore. So I’m sharing it here, because someone you know may need to hear these things. Maybe you yourself need to hear it.

The pain does subside. You are loved infinitely more than you can possibly fathom. You are here for a reason. Don’t ever doubt that.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes with the morning. And the morning does come.

Please, please, please, make sure you don’t miss it.