not that special

“…it seemed the ultimate miracle, to have good people love you, freaked-out, self-centered mess that you were.” – Anne Lamott, Blue Shoe

(Disclaimer: I tried to share these thoughts with Mona first, and even she thought it was crazy, so take that for what it’s worth.)

So this all started because I found out only a few days ago that I am finally. going. home. The reality of this takes my breath away, and although I of course am apprehensive about the change, I am elated that this is finally happening. It just feels so right – down to the very core of my being. So much so that, when people express sadness that I am leaving, I can’t bring myself to utter the words, “Well, who knows, maybe I”ll move back to Grand Rapids someday.”

Because I know that I won’t. There’s just no looking back. I came here broken, and have experienced a great deal of healing (thanks, in part, to even more brokenness) in the past fifteen years. I have met so many people that I love dearly and will miss achingly. But, easy life and multiple Target locations aside, knowing that I am moving has made me all the more acutely aware that I just never fell in love with this place.

The people, on the other hand…

When you are the person going to a new place, a new opportunity, you are leaving, but you are also going towards something. Not so for the people you are leaving behind. So it certainly makes sense that I have been conflicted about my happiness and excitement in the face of the sadness of people who are important to me.

But I don’t think that’s all of it. I think…I think there might be something wrong with me.

(okay, now, you didn’t need to agree THAT quickly!)

I have been blessed and overwhelmed by the reaction people have had to me leaving. It’s embarrassing to me to hear that people like me. That I will be missed. People say such kind things, and I start to feel so Aspie about it all.

Apparently people like me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. In the face of this outpouring of affection and kind words, I find myself almost ashamed, wondering if I value and appreciate others this much. And I know that, much of the time, I don’t like me nearly as well as others seem to.

I am so very blessed to have good people love me. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I’m just not quite sure sometimes how I got here. And I’m not sure I’m really all that special.

 

2015 in review

This came up in my Timehop from 2008…I don’t even know what the original source was at this point…but thought it would be interesting to revisit it.

Here are the questions and my answers. Would love to hear yours as well! No pressure, though.

What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Drove for Uber, I guess?
Went to the Canadian Rockies (NATURE!)

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year

Did anyone close to you die?
Not exactly…although Vivian’s death had a strong impact on many in my larger church family.

What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
More self-control with my money
Less debt
New bras

What was your biggest failure of the year?
Continuing to accumulate credit card debt.

Where did most of your money go?
Compulsive spending on clearance clothes for every kid I know (and a few I don’t!)
Trips to visit people I love

Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?
About the same, I think? (maybe I should do this every year?!) Maybe I’ll say “happier”. I’m fairly content right now…(knock on wood…even though I claim I don’t believe in luck/superstitions…)

thinner or fatter?
I’m thinking fatter.

richer or poorer?
More in debt. Scrambling to keep up. Got a promotion at work, but because I lost my night and weekend differentials, my hourly rate is actually less than it was even though I got a “raise”.
Also, more in debt.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogging (I said this in 2008 too, but it still applies)
Visiting friends
Decluttering

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Charging stuff!!!
Slacking off in various realms of my life

What was the best book you read?
Ummmm…this is where I admit that I have not finished any books AGAIN this year. Actually, I do think I finished one Sherlock Holmes book on my phone.

I’m still only about halfway through it, but Eat To Live is definitely a life-changer.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Annie was 2014, I think, so that one’s out.
You think I’m going to say The Peanuts Movie…which I did enjoy it, but I’m all about the comic strips (feel the same way about The Boondocks). So I’m going to go with The Intern, which was cute and lighthearted. Plus I saw it with one of my best friends, so that made it all the more fun.

I still haven’t seen Brooklyn, or I suspect that would be my favorite.

(I AM ADDING THIS ONE MYSELF, JUST BECAUSE I CAN)
What was your favorite Netflix show/binge this year?
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. No contest. I think I read that Season 2 is coming out in April?!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having/adopting a child, but I need to face reality at some point…

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015
I may need to think about this one some more…but let’s start with these:
– Bitterness and negativity is contagious, and it makes you seem ugly when you succumb to it.
– Life is wonderful and difficult and precious and can’t be explained. It is all of these things at the same time.

 

Planning some radical changes

…to my relationship with food. Does that sound over-dramatic? (so unlike me, I know!)

I am indebted to Michael Pollan, particularly his book Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual, and to a slew of documentaries, including Forks over Knives, Fed Up, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, and others I am probably not remembering right now.

I don’t know how quickly I will do this, or whether I will jump in with both feet or make changes gradually, but here is what I want:

I want to be done with simple sugars, too much sodium, artificial ingredients, processed food.

I want to cut down – or perhaps eliminate completely – my meat consumption.

I want to train my body and taste buds to crave what is healthy. I want to explore ways to make *real* food exciting.

I want to be healthy. I want to have the energy to do the things I hope to do in the next twenty, thirty, or forty years that I have on this earth.

So much will have to change. I am already pondering how and when to say a final “good-bye” to a seemingly unending list of favorite foods…Krispy Kreme, Reese’s, cheesecake, newly-discovered chicken from a place that is (inexplicably) called Pizza Ranch (the pizza is meh, but the chicken!!!!!).I find myself trying to figure out how to plan a funeral/good-bye ceremony for each of these.

I am embracing the idea that my addiction to crappy food is as much (or more so) a physiological issue as an emotional one.

I am trying to imagine my life with these radically different food choices…what it will mean for my socializing over restaurant meals, my day-to-day food preparation, and so on.

This will be really, really hard. But I’m determined. Baby steps or big leaps, two steps forward, one step back, or spectacular failures followed by eventual success…I don’t know what it will look like…but I’m certain that it will be an adventure.

Stay tuned…

I found a treasure!

So I had completely forgotten about this. The funniest thing is that I have no idea how to get back into it because I don’t know which email address or account I used to create the blog. BUT I had painstakingly transferred all of my snarky Duggar posts (including the one that gave me the most hits EVER on my site) to this other blog, out of some misguided attempt to…I don’t know what. A friend told me that perhaps I should delete the posts if I was feeling sheepish about them, and for several years now I thought that’s what I had done…so to me, anyway, this is a treasure. Or maybe I’m just not a nice person?! Yeah…that too.

Anyway, enjoy the snark…if you dare!

http://antiduggarology.blogspot.com