not that special

“…it seemed the ultimate miracle, to have good people love you, freaked-out, self-centered mess that you were.” – Anne Lamott, Blue Shoe

(Disclaimer: I tried to share these thoughts with Mona first, and even she thought it was crazy, so take that for what it’s worth.)

So this all started because I found out only a few days ago that I am finally. going. home. The reality of this takes my breath away, and although I of course am apprehensive about the change, I am elated that this is finally happening. It just feels so right – down to the very core of my being. So much so that, when people express sadness that I am leaving, I can’t bring myself to utter the words, “Well, who knows, maybe I”ll move back to Grand Rapids someday.”

Because I know that I won’t. There’s just no looking back. I came here broken, and have experienced a great deal of healing (thanks, in part, to even more brokenness) in the past fifteen years. I have met so many people that I love dearly and will miss achingly. But, easy life and multiple Target locations aside, knowing that I am moving has made me all the more acutely aware that I just never fell in love with this place.

The people, on the other hand…

When you are the person going to a new place, a new opportunity, you are leaving, but you are also going towards something. Not so for the people you are leaving behind. So it certainly makes sense that I have been conflicted about my happiness and excitement in the face of the sadness of people who are important to me.

But I don’t think that’s all of it. I think…I think there might be something wrong with me.

(okay, now, you didn’t need to agree THAT quickly!)

I have been blessed and overwhelmed by the reaction people have had to me leaving. It’s embarrassing to me to hear that people like me. That I will be missed. People say such kind things, and I start to feel so Aspie about it all.

Apparently people like me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. In the face of this outpouring of affection and kind words, I find myself almost ashamed, wondering if I value and appreciate others this much. And I know that, much of the time, I don’t like me nearly as well as others seem to.

I am so very blessed to have good people love me. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I’m just not quite sure sometimes how I got here. And I’m not sure I’m really all that special.

 

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