it’s supposed to be my vacation time, right? so I should be having “fun” . . . and there have been some good moments, catching up with friends, eating good food . . .

but there has also been the financial stress. New York is not an easy city to be in without money, and this morning I figured out that I am, in fact, even more screwed than I thought . . . so with the money thing, on top of my already being a bit out of sorts, this morning didn’t start out with me feeling the best. (likely some of this is also retroactive to a night with virtually no sleep on Monday . . . I have to remind myself that lack of sleep is always an exacerbating factor.) And I’m sure that taking a dive on the sidewalk (I’m pretty sure that I’ve at least slightly sprained my right arm) last night didn’t help either . . . (though darn. I wish I had video footage of that event!!!!!!)

but there I was on the subway, fretting about money instead of enjoying the energy of the city and the glorious people-watching, and the thought came to me all of a sudden: “I just want to go HOME!”

and then I REALLY wanted to cry . . . because I still want to hold on to the idea that NYC *IS* my ‘home’, that who I am is formed in large part by having grown up in this environment, and that I perpetually hold out hope that someday this place I love so much will be my home again.

and yet, for a split second this morning, I didn’t want to be here.

I just hope that another solid night of sleep will bring me a new perspective . . . I really need to do some editing on this, too, but as I was saying, tomorrow is another day . . .