tonight, I realized that there is still some part of me that is wounded by my high school experiences. No matter how I try to re-write my meta-narrative, no matter how many times I try to tell myself that I turned things around by the time high school was over, I have realized anew that I really am still quite deeply wounded and that I still bear the scars that those years left behind . . .
so I’m supposed to try not to believe the “lies”, right? to erase that image of myself as a too-loud, unattractive, fat (high school was 100 pounds ago, and I’m quite sure that the “fat” part bothered me more than than it does now!) freak that everybody is laughing at. and what I walk away with in the end is this deep, unspoken longing to be a part of something that I know I can never belong to . . .
or maybe that’s just the high school in me coming out . . .
at any rate, I was certainly reminded tonight of why I don’t do youth group . . .
2 thoughts on “self-pity and the scars high school leaves behind . . .”
I remember your Esprit skirt too… and as for your meta-narrative, I think the goal is to stop trying to: a) forget the way it was or b) rewrite it somehow, but instead c) embrace it as part of who you are and somehow integrate it into a coherent life narrative (thank you Dr. Fox).
Well, I am not “dealing” with the scars of high school per say, only the cause of those high school scars, ones that run pretty deep.
I must say I agree that a) forgetting the way it was is not an easy task, and in my experience the sub-concsious remembers and at all the wrong times or b) rewriting it because it eventually comes back to bite you in the ass. However, c) I have trouble with the embracing part – because I wouldn’t want to hang on to that loneliness, and Lorraine, I am sure you don’t either.
It might be easier to accept it for what it was, try to manage how badly it affects you by a) focusing MORE on the present and future b) looking for the blessings in ALL things and c) recognizing the triggers to this “melancholiness.” (yes, its a word per dictionary.com)
Lorraine – you are not alone, and you are WONDERFUL!